BlatherLabs Presents: The Interested Bear
Are you chronically dull? Do you require constant attention? Do you find yourself seeking endless validation on discussion forums? If so, then you need 'The Interested Bear'! Brought to you by special blather correspondent, Moon. Yes, the all-new Interested Bear will appear to show interest in any and every thing you say, no matter how boring it is, or how many times you've said it before. The Interested Bear has been pre-programmed with a repertoire of meaningless cliches designed to show he is paying attention, however scant, to whatever it is you're saying. Cute cues, such as "Is that so?"...
Blather Meets… Britney
Earlier this week, blather.net dispatched crack reporter Dan Brown to meet with the diminutive American pop-star, Britney Spears, for an exclusive interview. What followed was an intimate conversation over some fine wines, posh nosh and a wayward Bush. Breakfast with Britney I was sitting in ‘Silk,’ a restaurant in the Courtyard Keminski hotel, opposite Liberty’s on Carnaby street, waiting for my guest to arrive. It was unconscionably early, but she was hungry. I was intrigued by her choice of restaurant, a converted courtroom that offered a choice of Thai and Indian food, served by authentic Asian people. Was the courtroom...
Blather Meets… Noam Chomsky
<!-- © Blather.net/Walsh--> Recently, Blather's academia correspondent, Johnny Mayonnaise, went to Massachusetts and unexpectedly encountered the world-famous Noam Chomsky! In Johnny's written report for Blather, you can almost feel you're there in the room with him: I find myself in a long corridor of an institutional building. I'm being shown around by a young lady whose face I don't recognise. I do, however, recognise the building. I saw it in a documentary film entitled Manufacturing Consent. It is the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. "This is Noam Chomsky's office," I remark to my hostess, pointing to a door on the left....
That Whole Father Pat Noise Phenomenon on Dublin’s O’Connell Bridge
© Blather.net/Walsh In which the Count O'Blather tells of his great friendship with the late Fr Pat Noise, who died in suspicious circumstances when his carriage plunged into the Liffey in 1919. As I have just returned from the tropics, it has taken me some time to re-engage with the political hoo-hahs and media blurtings for which the fair land of Ireland is well known. However, I do see it as my duty to stay abreast of issues that concern the plain people of Dublin, like lap-dancing clubs and 'morr-guages'. On my arrival back into Ireland (via, of course,...
So, your man is going to the World Cup, eh?
Are you a female blather reader? Is the man in your life about to abscond to watch the World Cup? Are you worried that he might be tempted by the heaving, groaning, cavalcade of female flesh and an endless supply of cheap booze and drugs? Welcome to Artemis. Wind-bags In case you have been in a coma for the last six months (in a cave, in Antarctica, in a Polar bear's headlock) the World Cup is coming. And where there are World Cups there are World Cup widows. You know them - those lost, forlorn, rejected specimens of womanhood, left...
Blather Wins Prestigious Blather Award
Despite the prolific downing of bottles, jeroboams and even buckets of alcoholic liquid, no-one approached the toilets; the tension ran so high in that room that we just sweated it out. The question on our minds was: who would win the prestigious Blather Award for 2006? The competition was fierce; everyone had a chance this year. Rotund, bespectacled Seamus 'Elephant' Crosbie, Managing Director of Blather Soft Drinks and Web System Solutions (a subdivision of Killkid Aircraft Weapons Solutions Inc., registered in Fort Worth, Texas) approached the podium with the glittering golden envelope and read out the nominations. DeBarra's head fell...
Irish Priests rocked by allegations of not molesting children
Shock, dismay and outrage greeted today's announcement that members of the Irish clergy stand accused of keeping a respectful distance from children and not violently buggering every child under the age of ten to death with an assortment of prize-winning vegetables. The allegations were carried in today's newspapers after the publication yesterday lunchtime of a 600-page report on the sexual and private activities of 2,000 members of the Irish clergy. Over the period of seven exhaustive months, the Priests were polled, examined, briefed, de-briefed, probed, prodded, strung up on meat hooks, slapped around the head with a copy of the...
The Hellfire Club Tunnels and Caves, West Wycombe
In yet another episode in a never-ending series, blather.net returns to the lair of the English Hellfire Club - Sir Francis Dashwood's party-house at Medmenham Abbey, and the fantastically kitsch tunnels in West Wycombe. Back in 1998, blather.net visited the Hellfire Club tunnels, in West Wycombe, Buckinghamshire - which, in case you don't know, is about 50km out of London. Back then, I knew very little about photography - I pointed and I shot, and was pleased enough. Now, I know a little more, and hope I've presented some better images of one very, very odd place. I've already written...
Marketing executive enters 14th hour of longest shit in recorded history
(LONDON) The fate of Fintan Lockhart, a 26-year-old marketing executive from East Croydon, hangs in the balance this evening as he struggles to control an unstoppable, 18-foot turd which erupted out of his ass this morning, blasting three clients out of a second-storey office-window in Soho. The incident occured during a routine presentation to a client. Lockhart was briefing Andrew Johnson, the president of Felch Records, on the corporate identity and marketing strategy for the new manufactured boy band ‘'Non-threatening eunchs''. A few minutes into his presentation, Lockhart was overcome with a torrent of uncontrollable flatulence and began braying like...
IRA announce massive redundancies
Outsourcing, globalisation and increased cost of knee-capping blamed by regional IRA commanders. 'A disaster for the whole fuckin' community' says murky, balaclava-wearing figure. (BELFAST) The IRA today announced several hundred lay-offs, effective from tomorrow morning 9 a.m. The shocking move comes at the end of a period of intense market speculation, which has focused on the organisations' ability to compete in the new global terrorism market: a market which many cocaine-fuelled tabloid hacks and a small army of syphilis-riddled market analysts have begun calling 'Terrorism 2.0'. The economy of the European Union has been in a period of transition: with...