Blather.net Presents ‘Let The Right Nun In’
(click image to see full size) Zombies. Tits. Dildos. Nuns. Guns. Nuns with Guns. More Tits. Coming October 2009, Blather.net is proud to present the most shocking horror movie ever made, 'Let The Right Nun In'. In this world exclusive, Blather.net catches up with writer and director Conor-Clubfoot O'Flap who is now busy putting the final touches on the film which has taken him six years to bring to the silver screen. Filmed on location in Co. Louth, Ireland, Let The Right Nun In is the harrowing tale of a zombie-nun outbreak in the town of Drogheda during a violent...
Holy Feckin Jaysus! Ireland Creates New Government Agency To Enforce Blasphemy Laws
(image by Dave Walsh) Hot on the heels of his controversial decision to overhaul antiquated 'Blasphemy laws', Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern has declared himself 'Ard-Bailitheoir na gCailleacha' with unlimited powers to search, seize, beat, rape, defame, libel, spitroast, roger, savage and claim legal ownership over whatever 'godless infidels' are within his and any government official's eyesight. Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern Appoints Himself 'Ard-Bailitheoir na gCailleacha' Having set the country straight on the contentious matter of the constitution's perilous and fraught relationship with the notion of 'blasphemy', Minister for Justice Dermot 'Innocent XI' Ahern has once again set Eurpoean...
Madonna And Angelina Jolie Fight Over Unwanted Ginger Irish Babies
Serial womb-raiders Madonna and Angelina Jolie are set to do battle over who gets final adoption rites on a brace of unwanted, ginger-haired Irish babies. The ruling will come after what promises to be a landmark Supreme Court ruling which, if the predictions of an army of twittering, micro-blogging failed actors, and talentless, unfunny comedians are to be believed, could see the floodgates thrown open to visiting celebrities who would then be free to adopt multiple ginger infants as they saw fit. Following on from high-profile adoptions of Cambodian and Malawian babies, the latest ethnic minority to benefit from the...
St. Patrick’s Day: Cowen and Lenihan to be taken out and shot by junkies with balls of their own shite
In a sign of growing tension in Dail Eireann (currently closed for a 12-day St. Patrick's Day holiday to "save money"), Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny celebrated St. Patrick's Day outside the locked gates of Leinster House this morning by tabling a controversial bowel motion to have An Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Finance Minister Brian Lenihan taken to Kilmainham Gaol, stripped naked , dunked in a VAT (Value Added Tax) of heated cat piss (kindly donated by the Irish Countrywoman's Association, the provisional ICA) and shot at dawn by a firing squad of rabid junkies with balls of their own...
Blather’s top tips to beat recession blues the easy way (patent pending)
The scene on the steps of the Count O'Blather's house, this morning (Reuters) It has reached the point (where else does it reach?) here at Blather High Command that the faintest mention of the word 'Ree-Session' has me dusting off my late grandfather's dueling irons. I have taken to pot-shooting the television every time some smirking BBC, RTE or Sky News doomsayer slides the dirty word into some appallingly unrelated news story - like the plight of polar bears in the Arctic or the nocturnal antics of soccer players in one of Ireland's dependencies (e.g. 'England'). My valet has insisted...
Blather Games Presents ‘Whore’
(image by Liquer Felix used under Creative Commons license) From the creators of the multi-billion dollar game franchise 'The Crims' and 'Crim City', comes the next stage in massively multiplayer online gaming - WHORE. Ten years in development, WHORE represents a sea-change in gaming experience where you assume the role of an all-seeing, all-knowing pimp-deity who controls the reproductive rights of a sexually miseducated teenage girl. WHORE's unique online community of user-created avatars can be shared and compared, allowing you to pitch your carefully nurtured high-class call girl against your fellow players' violent crack-ho. Log on The next evolution in...
Large Hadron Collider unleashes army of polite, chocolate-eating zombies
A mere two hours after the ignition of the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in Geneva, a giant army of chocolate-eating zombies has reportedly swept across Switzerland and over the border from Basel into Germany where outbreaks of apologetic biting and collaborative law-making have been reported in cities from Munich to Hamburg. 'Toblerooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooone' Further to the panic reported in the streets of Switzerland and Germany, French authorities have prepared themselves for the onslaught of toblerone-devouring yobs who may try to surge across the alps in a frenzied search for more nougaty goodness. Our man on the ground, award-winning celebrity stalker...
Blather Labs presents the ‘Mong-O-Matic’ Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser
Ladies! Are you going on holiday? Are you regularly away on business? Are you worried that during your absence your useless lump of a man will spend his time getting repeatedly muntered and horsing great bags of salted snacks down his already fattened gullet until you arrive home to discover a grossly overweight slug where your significant other used to be? Well, worry no more: Blather Labs presents the 'Mong-O-Matic' Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser. From the eggheads that brought you 'Beanflickr 2.0', the Blather.net 'Mong-O-Matic' Time-Delayed Weed Dispenser is a revolutionary new device designed to limit the amount of skunk given...
The Top 10 Reasons To Vote NO To The Lisbon Treaty
Photo of Lisbon Treaty poster by Dave Walsh Can't decide which way to vote on the contentious Lisbon Treaty? Worry no more, for the fearless hacks at blather.net have taken the time to summarise the top ten reasons why you should vote NO to those Euro-pinkos and their nefarious treaty. Voting YES to Lisbon will mean the following: 1. Your first born-son will be automatically drafted in the Supra-National EuroArmy and immediately dispatched to a cave in Afghanistan to serve as a human sacrifice on Osama Bin Laden's Altar of Muslim Atrocity. 2. Your first-born daughter will be taken from...
Tim Westwood Horrified To Discover He’s Actually White
(image by Eric Hamilton.) Unconfirmed rumours came across the Blather desk this morning that bad-boy BBC Radio DJ Tim Westwood may have realised that he's actually white. All-round Blingmaster and Blather.net Correspondent Filthy Hack reports. Hack says: 'The alleged incident is reported to have occured in a late-night Soho club, just off Dean St. Eyewitnesses state that Westwood was 'avin' it large' in the (name withheld for legal reasons - ed.) club with several friends and assorted media students when Westwood's account of how he 'iz de man' and furthermore how he was 'bare cool, word to yo sista' was...